The Art Of Picayune Importuning

~~~

The sweetest moment was watching his lips move
as he read the note, after pulling it from under the wiper blade.

~~~

Tyres

~~~

We've been contemplating putting new tires on The Nationals Postmobile. The Ef One Fitty came new with Pirelli tires. They went 63,000 miles and never gave me any trouble, but still I'm concerned about sticking new ones on there. See, Pirelli is an Italian tire company. Those guys are notorious for promising to put on new rubber before mounting, but then not putting on anything at all.





Boom de boom, baby.




~~~

Pre-bowling Chillout

BoSox Cockblocked By Nats As Yankees Swoop In Wearing Jazz Shoes And Coax Teixeira To Get On The Dance Floor And Dance The FORBIDDEN DANCE

~~~

Mark Teixeira reportedly set to sign with Yankees

By Mike James, Los Angeles Times Staff Writer
12:40 PM PST, December 23, 2008

Various news organizations are reporting that Mark Teixeira is about to sign a long-term deal with the New York Yankees. Jon Heyman of SI.com is reporting they have agreed on an eight-year deal worth $180 million.

The Angels had offered an eight-year deal worth about $160 million, but took that off the table when they got no specific counteroffers from Teixeira's agent, Scott Boras.


**********

You see what's happened to the press here? I'm copping the LA Times' story, which is citing Sports Illustrated and "various news organizations". Where's the source of this news? Was it Steve, per chance? Steve ...




~~~

Bethesda Is Shovel Ready

~~~


Hey I know stuff breaks when it gets cold outside. Water mains are no exception. This, however, is the kind of infrastructure failure that is shameful. We're supposed to be the most mighty country in the world. The coming administration is looking for projects that are "shovel ready" to get funded immediately and create some new j.o.b.s. This approach is already being called a handout by guys on talk radio. Here's exciting video of this morning's water main break on [irony] River Road [/irony]. When you're finished watching it, think about how many houses and businesses a 5.5 foot water main feeds. All those buildings are presently without water for who knows how long. Mad props to the swiftwater and technical rescue teams working that scene.


It was 16 degrees in Bethesda when this video was shot.

CNN Anchordork to fire dept spokesman: "I would assume that some of these folks in the cars are wet. Uhhh, are you worried about hypothermia?"




~~~

Still Not Buying It

~~~

Nats may have upped Teixeira offer

A report on MASN Online by Roch Kubatko has multiple sources claiming that Washington has raised its offer, spread across eight years, to somewhere in the $178 million to $184 million range.

What's more, there are indications that the Nationals might be talked into going to nine or even 10 years. A 10-year offer would fulfill agent Scott Boras' goal for Teixeira, delivered at the General Managers Meeting in Dana Point, Calif., in November.

Today is Mark Teixeira's big payday. He's looking for a ten year deal, which would take him fairly well up to his pro ball retirement. We still say there's NO WAY this superstar player is going to ink a career-length deal on a losing team. DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE. Even if Teixeira is truly walking away from Boston's offer of 8 years and $184 million bones, or, clams or whatever you call them, he's not coming to DC. If he's really that hard headed, he'll play in his home state of Maryland. Say what you will aboout Peter Angelos, but at least he pays the rent on the stadium.



~~~

Don't Worry ... We Have A Plan

~~~

Three months ago, the Prez called in select Senators and Congressmen and explained that life as we know it would cease to exist unless they handed him $700,000,000,000.00 to bail out the financial industry.

"How do you intend to spend the money?" they hated to ask, because they knew it annoyed him.

"There's no time to waste answering a bunch of silly questions. If you love your country, you'll hand over the cash and promise to stay out of the way."

"Of course we love our country," they stammered, "sorry to have troubled you. The thing is, we don't have any money. Please don't yell at us again. We know where we can get half of it now and we swear we'll hand over the other half soon. Would that be ok?"

"You Congress people are pathetic. I can't believe you didn't plan for something like this. Fine ... gimme the $350,000,000,000.00 anyway. Come on, while we're frickin' young."

"You're only going to use this cash for good, right? We're giving you all of our fiscal oversight powers, so we hope you use them wisely."

"I guess you're gonna have to trust me," the president said slapping them on the back, "and why wouldn't you? Heh. I've earned your trust, right? Heh. Come back when you've figured out where you're going to get the other half of the cash that doesn't exist. Off you go."

"We're on it, sir. Harry Reid has China on his Buddy list and the US mint says they'll print a trillion more dollar bills. That's one workplace that's still paying overtime anyway!" Congress filed out laughing nervously and smiling politely.

~~TWO MONTHS LATER~~

In unrelated news, the US auto industry is dying, because it makes a product nobody wants to buy anymore. Like a kid who flies his Gulf Stream jet to his parents' suburban ranch house to ask them to take a 4th mortgage out to pay for his mistakes just one more time, BIG 3 go to Washington. After vigorous questioning and debate, BIG 3's parents say no.

Senator Dad explains to BIG 3 that he is old enough to own his mistakes and misfortunes and even though they love him, they can't solve his problems. Only he can. BIG 3 screams I HATE YOU ! YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING I LIKE! President Mom looks at the floor and fretfully twists a dampened hanky.

Fiscal conservatives walk up to the Jerry Springer audience mic and shout-out to the parents, "you GO girl! Thank God this happened while a conservative is still in the White House! Otherwise, that socialist would have sold us out like beeeeeeeee-atches!"

Senator Dad sees BIG 3 to the door, at which point President Mom slips a Financial Industries Debit Card with a $17,400,000,000.00 limit into BIG 3's kashmir sweater pocket.


"Mommy loves you most," she whispers, "Now go solve all your problems, promise?"
Smoochy smoochy.




~~~

Happy Christmas War Is Over

~~~






~~~

Bally

~~~




This is how a Huntington Beach boy reacts to snow.
Photo - http://collinbalester.mlblogs.com/

Collin Balester is exactly what baseball needs. He's a 6'5", 22 year old goofy kid from SoCal with a perennial big grin on his face, a complete inability to form grammatically correct sentences, and a mega-wicked fastball. Since July, 2008, he's a big league pitcher with The Washington Nationals, but you wouldn't know it if you were talking to him in a line or giving/getting directions to the closest Best Buy. His is one of the few truly interesting and very entertaining blogs written by a player, and it clearly is neither edited nor redacted by some agent, girlfriend, or lawyer. Bally seems to inherently know that baseball and life are meant to be played, not worked. Here's what Bally says he wants to hear over the stadium system next season when he walks up to the plate to hit:







~~~

Political Jock Sniffer

~~~









~~~

Coleman vs. Franken ... The Brass Tacks

~~~


Watch enthralling LIVE video of democracy in action. If it weren't to decide who gets to be a US Senator, this would be boring to the point of criminal. Here at TNP, we can't stop watching.


NOTE: We removed the embedded player, because we could not figure out how to sht off auto-play.

Watch this along with live chat comments from viewers here.





~~~

The Iraqi Shoe Bomber

~~~


I was going to write a post entitled

Yankees Sign Iraqi Hurler

but then I found out somebody already did. One day, I will have an original thought, and that will be a fine day indeed.




Watched it, like, a zillion times and it simply doesn't get old.







~~~

We're Livin' La Vida Crappo

~~~

~~~

Nats Dump Colome, Pin Their Hopes On Column B

~~~




LAS VEGAS -- The Nationals released reliever Jesus Colome on Wednesday.
The team's roster is now at 38. Colome, who was arbitration-eligible,
appeared in 61 games and had a 4.31 ERA last year.

-Bill Ladsen




~~~

Teixeira's Not Coming. Mark It, Dude.

~~~

The Winter Meetings scuttlebutt is that we're in a close race with Boston and Baltimore at this moment to get superstar Mark Teixeira. It's light on scuttle on heavy on butt. MT wants $20 million a year for ten years. He's a Maryland boy, but the trains run pretty frequently to Boston. Here's what's going to actually happen: Boston was chasing hard for AJ Burnett, but seems to have cooled off on him. Late last night at the Bellagio in Vegas, the Yankees and Braves were locked in a massive Nite Fite for the pitcher.

Disengaging from Burnett frees up a lot of cash in the pockets of the Sox. They will stay in the race for MT, thus keeping his ridiculous asking price legitimate looking. In the end, Teixeira will sign a massive contract with Baltimore after Boston sobers up and realizes $200,000,000.00 is a really big number. Baltimore will outbid DC by $10 million or so. Why will Baltimore prevail over Washington? Because the Nats burned all their player credibility last year and Teixeira wants a chance to win some games.

The slighted Nationals will then sign Adam Freakin' Dunn, because we like our players like we like our chili - Cincinnati style. There will be massive spinning that this is actually a positive, and Dunn will get a news release saying that he's the cat's pajamas every other day until spring training.

There is absolutely no chance The Washington Nationals sign Mark Teixeira. We're afraid to believe anything else, because we've been hurt before.

~~~

Dr. Freud, Call Your Office

~~~


Alert folks over at Deadspin point out that the boys down in marketing at the new Winston-Salem Dash baseball organization may have inadvertently dug up some repressed issues during their Monday morning brainstorming sessions.

The team used to be called The Warthogs and, in hindsight, what's really wrong with that name? In the relentless trudge of progress, the team was re-branded "Dash", whatever that hell that means. Of course, uniforms, hats, and all the souvenir trinkets required a fresh look. While designing the new logo for the team, the graphics department was apparently also wrestling with their own tortured monsters from the Land of Id.

Look for them to come hard and fast ...

Wow. We might have known. All the warning signs were there. In a game that features ball boys, foul tips, sliders in the dirt, two balls and no strikes, pitchers and catchers, and sliding head-first into home, this logo was just a foregone conclusion.



~~~

Not In Kansas Anymore

~~~



You're my boy, Blue!




~~~

Looks Like 1973 Fell Through A Wormhole

~~~

I'm going into hotel lobby interior design. After taking a look at the competition, there's a pretty good shot at conquering the field.


~~~

We Pulled Our Money Out Of The Stock Market To Put It Somewhere Safer

~~~

~~~

I knew you wouldn't believe me so I took a picture

Greetings from the Legends Of Aviation Restaurant, high atop Long Beach and home of the healthy veggieburger called, "The Destroyer".

Sent from mobile

oh SNAP

~~~



"We can shape our times instead of being shaped by them.
Together, we will meet the challenges of the 21st century
not with fear, but with hope."



"Dangit my ears just started burnin'
like my toes do time to time."



~~~

i jus wan bangbangbang

~~~

Plaxico's unique style aside, we at TNP try to send the bullets away from the thigh and leggal areas. We don't want to pile too heavy on Burress. As Jesse reminded us; he's a wide receiver, and they don't like safeties.



~~~

waaa waaa waaaaaa

~~~



I'm following Shaquill O'Neil on Twitter, because it's worth it.





* How come i have the mr rogers neighborhhood theme song stuk n my head, iz he still alive about 9 hours ago from txt

* @JODRAN_MATHIS, THKS BRO, LEARN SUMTIN NEW EVERYDAY about 17 hours ago from web

* Why is today called black friday about 19 hours ago from txt

* Destroyed by the heat jeeeez about 20 hours ago from txt

* The camera is watchn me twitter wow 3:14 PM Nov 28th from txt

* Im still full from thanksgivn jeeeeez 10:34 AM Nov 28th from txt

* @ragedragon, wht up bro 8:13 PM Nov 26th from txt in reply to Ragedragon
Happy thanksgivn to all the twitterrific people twitterrin in twitterland 1:56 PM Nov 26th from txt

* Why do they call minneapolis, the twin cities, nobody here looks a like, waaa waaa waaaaaa 1:54 PM Nov 26th from txt




~~~

Really Bad Things

~~~


Some great progressive computer-machine writers put on their aprons and played-out the Angry Man-Hating FemiNazi roles with which they have been tagged as they prepare a cringe inducing Thanksgiving Dinner that can't be beat. Angry War Blogger Guy, Spencer Ackerman, was dragged into this as a sacrificial lamb (sorry). Here are Kay Steiger, LaToya Peterson of Racialicious, and Ann Friedman of The American Prospect.


DO NOT CLICK ON THIS MOVIE.


.
Oh man. You clicked it. Dude. Tell me again why women can't be in combat units?



~~~

Buy A Lottery Ticket Today

~~~


If this is true, it's the bestest, luckiest day EVER.

~~~

Guys

~~~





Did you see what happened there? Bobby Dylan just pissed off some Irish guy by slighting Dominic Behan, then Donovan just started playing and peace and love and those hippy flowers all just started floating down all over the room. Then Bobby Dylan said, "Hey that's a good song, man!", using his best Garth voice.


"...ummm, does this
seem weird to you?"

Donovan saved the day. He really was Sunshine Superman, man! You are, without a doubt, wondering why Bobby Dylan so adamantly didn't want to hear anything about Dominic Behan in this clip. Behan was an Irish writer who used in one of his songs a traditional melody entitled "The Merry Month of May". He joined his own lyric to it, criticizing the Irish Republican Army. Dominic accused Bob Dylan of stealing the idea to steal the traditional Irish melody and adhere his own war protesting lyrics in "With God On Our Side". Boys will be boys.

The Patriot Game
- Dominic Behan

Come all ye young rebels, and list while I sing,
For the love of one's country is a terrible thing.
It banishes fear with the speed of a flame,
And it makes us all part of the patriot game.

My name is O'Hanlon, and I've just turned sixteen.
My home is in Monaghan, where I was weaned.
I learned all my life cruel England to blame,
So now I am part of the patriot game.

- and it just goes on like this -

Beggin' your pardon, but I tend to believe that Come Out Ye Black & Tans was a much better song anyway.


~~~

Chief Closes a Big One

~~~

The newlyweds.
-Photo from Nats320

Chad Cordero doesn't know what hat he'll be wearing next year, but he knows what jewelery he'll have on. Our friends at Nats320 have really great, exclusive wedding photos, featuring former and current Nats and other ball players, along with the nuptials. Congratulations to Chad and Jamie. All the best.




~~~

How To Save Television

~~~


While the net is full of people declaring that TV is on its deathbed, it seems that a huge unfair advantage held by the talking furniture goes unnoticed: Everybody has a TV, and most people have more than one. True, there are some who do not own a television, but how do we know of them?

Have you met Michael No'Telly? He's wonnnnderful, darling. He doesn't even have a TV!

While network execs fret over dropping audiences and remaining audiences threatening to bail out on their old pal, one trailblazer has figured out how to save the beast in the living room. She put something on her show that is too enthralling for anyone to ignore, and she did it without selling her soul. Martha Stewart throws all that corporate caution to the wind and lights the way for the rest of them. Let's hope the also-rans follow her lead. Also, there is no doubt in my mind that Snoop is on The Martha Stewart Show for one reason; he fully intends to hit that.



"...'cause I do know how t'whip it up a lilbet, Marfa, don' trip."




~~~

Trivia

~~~

When someone asks you - and they will - when the first snowstorm of 2008 happened in Virginia, tell them you remember it well. It was November 17th and into the 18th. We were a heartier lot back on 17, you'll say. Sure, school was delayed by an hour, but by-gum they went. Despite fierce north winds and temperatures so low that the snow darn-near didn't melt, we soldiered forth. Not like these days, no sir. The people of November 19th are soft. Why, they wouldn't know how to turn up a thermostadt. They don't even know to include a "D" in the word! I tell you I look at the youngsters today and I worry about the future of everything and miss the days of earlier this week when men were pretty much men and the cost of a cup of coffee got you a fine hello from a chipper barista with a smock and hat and the whole nine yards, not meters mind, yards, because that's the way we did things back then and I want to tell you because believe you me we knew what it was back in November 17 to be prepared for hard weather and we always kept a cell phone in our suv so we could call a tow truck or just order a pizza if need be by golly

Branding Is Alive and Well

~~~

Arianna, of Huffington Post® was just talking with Bill Mahr, of HBO's Real Time®, on MSNBC's Rachael Maddow Show®, and she says The Guardian®, of the UK, is reporting that Hillary Clinton® will, in fact, accept the position of US Secretary of State. Just remember, you heard it here on The Nationals Post®, first.

~~~

HBD EMO

~~~

~~~

Cars Still Won't Fly

~~~

The Netfix fairies bestowed upon our household the DVDs of season
three of The Smothers Brothers television show. These shows aired in
1969,a tumultuous and amazing period. The show was cut-off, mid-
season, by CBS because they found it to be too controversial.

We watched a couple of the episodes that pushed the network over the
edge and caused them to can an Emmy Award winning and highly popular
show. One episode featured Joan Baez explaining that her husband would
soon be going to jail for refusing the go to the draft board. Another
had a comedian doing a sermonette that had him cupping his hands in a
suggestive way while saying, "got them by the ol' test ... iment.

We kept explaining to our 11 year old how cutting edge this stuff was
and how explosive the times were.

"See that? Tommy Smothers is singing a love song to a black woman.
Back then, that simply wasnt done!"

"Huh," she replied. She gave it a good thirty minutes then politely
excused herself.

The whole thing left me feeling a little unsettled. I imagined life
forty years from now, with a 51 year old Ro trying to explain the
enormity of her own times. "See ... Obama was BLACK. Well ... half
black anyway, and it rocked the nation, nay, the whole WORLD when he
got elected, see?"

What the hell will be going on then that will make today seem
completely tame?

~~~

What Will The Neighbors Say

~~~


I came home from work early and was shocked by what I saw. This crazy little bitch was prancing around my house wearing nothing but a pajama top and a guilty look on her face.









~~~

Promote Global Worming

~~~


Here's your chance to be caught palling around with a group of domestic terrestrialists from the Charlottesville area. They have formed cells of underground activists, bent on achieving nothing short of the breakdown of earth itself.





Meet them here. I gotta to go to the Lowes and buy some bins and screen and stuff. I'll also be getting a Quincy 17-Gallon (Belt Drive) Single Tank Air Compressor w/ 5.5 HP Honda power plant and full assortment of pneumatic tools. I need these things. For the worm bin.


~~~

And Now For Something Completely Better

~~~





Much has been said about how we're all going to miss the Obama campaign now that it's over. How they were great days, filled with a revitalizing spirit and great enthusiasm. All that's true, I guess, but I'm not in any kind of crisis to fill any kind of void. It's not like when Phish broke up or anything.

Which part, in particular, is leaving us wistful - the doors slammed in our faces, the blisters on our feet, or is it the clipboards and lousy Google map printouts? Maybe we'll miss our ever-burgeoning collection of idioms used to express to us a person's unwillingness to vote for a black fella.

I'm a lifetime Democrat, but I'm still undecided.
I don't trust him.
He doesn't share my values.
I'd vote for him, but I'm afraid ...
There's just something about him that worries me.
He doesn't seem safe.
He's just not very "white", if you know what I mean.

The fact is, knocking on people's front doors and asking them their thoughts about politicians and their views on issues is an awkward, tedious, and occasionally dangerous mission. There's not a whole lot there to get all misty over. All the folks I walked and worked with undertook this effort with the same sort of mindset you might have if you want to go fishing. Sure, you'll keep a positive outlook while you're digging night crawlers. Yes, you'll roll your butt out of the stinksack at 3:00 am. But when you're finally in the boat and casting, nobody's sighing about the good times we had while we were packing the cooler.




~~~

AR15

~~~


A good friend of mine just put a down payment on one of these:



Soon as he unwraps it, we're going to go on a bug smasher's holiday.




~~~

Some Day

~~~



The tickets to the Birchmere for a November 5th show were purchased in back in September, mainly because I knew it would make her happy. On some level though, it seemed like it might be a good exercise in self-preservation to find someone who might help allay lingering misgivings about the coming administration.

We sat at the edge of stage left and watched a 67 year old woman calmly and completely command a full house. Joan Baez simply walked to the mic and started singing We Shall Overcome, a capella. Her voice is not as strong as it once was, but it's every bit as powerful. After a couple of songs, she said, "I'm a little scratchy, 'cause I was screaming so much last night."

She told a story of how she and her 3-man band were watching the election results on a TV in a local hotel that was decorated all Jungle Room. After the race had been called, they ran into the streets, screaming and yelling, only to find Alexandria to be a not-so-happening town. So they hailed a cab and headed up to The White House, where they partied all night in an impromtu street festival. Joan was still wearing her hotel robe.


-Washington Post photo by
Kathleen Parker, the conservative
columnist who called for Sarah
Palin to step-down as the
vice-presidential nominee.


The title track to the new album is a Tom Waits song called Day After Tomorrow. It's about a guy who will soon be heading home. The album is produced by Steve Earle. Clearly, this chick isn't fucking around. At the Birchmere, she sang new stuff, favorite stuff, and the very first song she ever wrote, Sweet Sir Galahad. She said she hadn't felt like this since 1963. Coming from the woman who stood right beside Dr. Martin Luther King and sang We Shall Overcome on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial 45 years ago, that's quite a shining endorsement.

~~~

Lame Duck Poop: An Homage

~~~






Back in mid-September, man's man and Senator Jim Webb (D-VA) introduced an amendment to the National Defense Authorization Act that stated that any new security agreement negotiated between the United States and the Government of Iraq would not remain in effect unless approved by Congress. As explained here previously, it was an effort to prevent the current President from going rogue and shutting Congress out of arrangements for the US to stay in Iraq.

It seemed like an obvious win; Congress voting to keep Congress pertinent. The amendment failed. In committees, amendments must gain a unanimous voice vote in order for it to gain approval. A staffer for Webb tells us that a lone voice voted nay, and killed the measure. Who would vote against giving their own governing body oversight? Staffer did not know, and our research, lazy and slow as it is, was unable to find out.

So wipe those tears of joy from your eyes. Sure, the crazy lady we had an eight year affair with, who boiled our kid's pet rabbit and destroyed our social status in the neighborhood is lying dead in the bathtub. The end credits are rolling and the music is fading up while we're all feeling for our car keys and half-standing in our seats in order to get to the urinals first. Just remember, she isn't really dead and that knife is still in her hands.



"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever
figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."
--George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008




~~~

Talk Amongst Yourselves

~~~





~~~

Winchester Is My Town

~~~


If you zoom in on Virginia's northwestern area, you see a sea of red, as has been the case for many years. But if you turbo-zoom in to the city of Winchester, you'll see a patch of blue:

Obama - 4400
McCain - 4107

In 2004, the numbers in Winchester looked like this:

Bush/Cheney	Republican	5,283	56.55%
Kerry/Edwards	Democratic	3,967	42.46%

We tried to flip Frederick County while we were at it, but while we made an 8% swing in the county numbers, the flip didn't happen. It don't matter now. It will forever be my honor to have worked alongside about a hundred people who worked so hard to turn Winchester blue. Jason, Reggie, Alexandra, Bethany, Janet, Evan, Scott, Mary Bruce, Phoebe, Bill, Other Bill, and all the people who's names I don't know, but who's faces I'll always remember. Thank you, one and all. I look forwarding to working the re-election campaign with you in 2012. For now, I'm going to get some sleep.




~~~

YES WE DID

~~~








~~~

Is This The Line For The Beer, Or Is This The Line For The Tickets For The Beer?

~~~

This is not Virginia's first experience being a battleground state. This is not Winchester and Frederick County's first experience being fought over by opposing sides of the same country. For days now, local news has been predicting record turnout and long lines. Over and over and over, the words had been coming out of my own mouth, "It's going to be busy. Get there early if you can."



I pulled on a hoodie and slinked outside. My target time for poll arrival had been 5:00. It was already 5:30. Damn. The school is only half a mile down the road, but I took the truck. It was still dark outside and a heavy, wet fog was blanketing everything. It was a relief to find a whole lot of empty at the elementary school. One woman was frantically sticking about 100 McCAIN-PALIN signs in the ground. At the entry door, a woman and two men were standing, smiling politely. I cued up behind them. By 5:40, the line had grown to about 40 people, a few of whom brought lawn chairs.

At six o'clock, the door opened and a woman announced loudly, "The polls are now open!" It was Alpha - the woman who eventually hugged me at the start of the Primary Election Day. About 65 people were in line, but things moved rather quickly. Five tables had been set up to process voters. My name was looked-up, a card was handed to me, and I was before the touch screen. There were only three screens of ballots to vote on; Who y'ant ta be Prezdent, Who y'ant ta be Senter, and Whozzit gwa be fer the Congress. When I touched my selection for President, I was ready to feel like history was being made, but it felt more like I was ordering an MTO drink at Sheetz. Make mine a mocha.

Voting always gives me a kick, but there was a little something extra today, and it came from an unexpected place. The excitement wasn't at the voting booth. It was in the line. All these people got up early to do this, despite (or maybe even because of) the fact that they'd clearly gotten word that it was going to be busy and somewhat inconvenient. This morning was not really about McCain and Obama. It was about the people - all those people - in all those lines.









~~~

Update On The Rogue Chicken Situation

~~~

Early this morning, the staff and management of TNP went out to la área del pollo with a foreboding disquietude. Expecting to stumble upon the feathered remains of refugee chickens, we were pleasantly startled to find all three of them lined-up and patiently waiting for us. We simply opened the coop door and watched them eagerly jump inside. After our reckless inaction of two nights ago, and all-out abandonment last night, these ladies were leaving nothing to chance this morning. Some folks think chickens are dumb, but they're not. They're trusting and sometimes maybe a little bit beguiled, but if you screw them over two times in a row, if you leave them out in the cold, they'll do whatever they have to do to come home to roost.

~~~

Catch-A-Story

~~~

Pump, pump, pump that area

Last night I had a terrible dream. The neighborhood was being terrorized by a giant version of the Comcast turtles, Bill and Karolyn Slowsky. They still moved slowly, and their sardonic wit was just as sharp as jazz shoes, but instead of being adorably normal-sized, they were taller than telephone polls. They hurled javelins and they were covered in swastikas, and gravy. Oh and they pooped Volkswagens. I used to just dream about girls.

The dream seemed to go on forever. I woke up tired. I should have realized when the guy turtle started banging on a house roof with a pair of drumsticks that the dream was an effort by my subconscious to tell me I forgot to close the chicken coop door for the night. Alas, we awoke this morning to a yardload of escaped chickens. It was hens on the lamb.


Congressional hopeful Judy Feder
will not stop following me.

Ro and I managed to lure most of them back into the coop by tossing grapes and bagels inside. Suckers! Three of the girls were not so gullible. Since they refused to take the bait, we closed up the coop and tried unsuccessfully to take the renegades by storming them, or what have you. No dice. They're fast. Eventually, we opted to leave them outside the wire, with the reasoning that they would rejoin the rest of the herd this evening when we let everybody out again. As night fell, all would come home to roost. That was the thinking. That was the plan. There was just one flaw; we weren't home to let the girls out for the evening. This, as you can well imagine, was my fault.

Always
Be
Closing

After spending the morning watching the political shows and getting pissed off all over again, I was overcome with Shindler's List Syndrome. "This watch," I exclaimed to no one in particular, "This watch could have been self-winding itself as my arm knocked on one more door! These boots ... they could have traveled one more neighborhood in search of like-minded people who remember too-well the feeling of colonic violation after the 2004 election!" I felt compelled to dedicate another afternoon canvassing my town. This left Ellen and Ro to go out and do all the stuff folks have to do to keep sustaining life. They were gone. I was gone. Nobody let the cooped-up chickens out for the evening. That's why the three renegades are, at this very moment, nesting somewhere outside - somewhere in cold, desolate, Fox Country. It's going to be a long, sleepless night for all of us.


"Looks like you've been canvassing today."
"That's right, sir."
"How's it look out there?"
"There's a lot of love right now, Governor,
especially for an area that went 68% Republican in '04."
"You guys are making the difference. Thanks for
all your hard work."
"You're welcome."

Second prize ...

~~~

The New Normal

~~~

For the off-season, this has been a rah-thah busy Saturday. We've barely had time to digest the news that our once-beloved closer has been outrighted. Sent on his way, like a DVD from Netflix. Sure, we enjoyed him for a while, but now we're ready for whatever else is in the que. Way to panic, Lerners. Sure it was expected, but even though GM Jim Bowden publicly screwed-over one of the finest pitchers and classiest guys in baseball back in July, it still hits you hard when the whip comes down. All the best, Cordero.

Sorry we hosed you.

Meanwhile, here in Red State, our little town is abuzz with "community organizers" who are "working very hard" to convince our neighbors that voting for Barack "not-a-muslin-socialist-terrorist" Obama might actually be a good idea. Many many many people here are still holding onto various misconstrued notions about this guy. It's weird, because in our estimation he is clearly the single best presidential candidate to have come along in our lifetime. Go ahead ... you pick a better candidate from this bunch:

1968 - Nixon vs. Humphrey vs. Wallace (Independent)
1972 - Nixon vs. McGovern
1976 - Ford vs.Carter
1980 - Carter vs. Reagan
1984 - Reagan vs. Mondale
1988 - GHW Bush vs. Dukakis
1992 - GHW Bush vs. Clinton
1996 - Clinton vs. Dole vs Perot (Independent)
2000 - GW Bush vs. Gore vs. Nader (Asshole)
2004 - GW Bush vs Kerry

There are zero clues around here to give a hint as to where our neighbors are getting these crazy ideas hinting that the Democratic candidate might pose a threat to America.

Just today, we talked with a surprising cross-section of the country who came here to try to help convince Virginia voters to calm and settle and vote with their heads and wallets. The couple who drove up from Florida. The Afghanistan war veteran who flew here from San Diego. The grandmother from New York who loves this valley and attends every annual Apple Blossom Festival. And that's just the white folks.

Are we sick of this election? Hell yeah we are. November 5th can't come soon enough. No matter what happens, something huge has been awakened in America, and it's not likely to go back to sleep. The new people networks that have been created have forced a change in the way Things work. That's not going to go away. Face to face, on Twitter, web sites, and across tables loaded up with coffee, water bottles, and canvassing folders, people who otherwise would have stayed separate are now in touch, working together, and making things happen. In a large way, the campaign is the election. Victory is already ours.

Meanwhile, we are living our lives quite nicely thank-you-very-much. Halloween parties were attended last night and into the morning hours. Quin stayed over and rocked the morning with us. Then there was the bowling. And the Guitar Hero. And the Chinatown dinner.


If horse racing is the sport of kings,
then surely bowling is a very good sport as well.
- Matt Groening said that.


Sure, I mean yeah, of course we're obsessive. The baseball. The election. These are taking up a large % of brain processor power, but that don't mean we forgot about all the rest of it.

Just tryin' to find the bridge.

See? We're well adjusted. So there. Now check out this electoral college chronological graph. Rockin' cool, doncha?

~~~