Chum In The Water

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Lord mercy mighty, this is going to be ugly. Tonight at Nationals YOUR AD HERE Park, one man will swagger to the mound. With every step, a group of soul backup singers will go "Whoooop-Hooooop!" into their mics and the mighty mountains will tremble with every pitch. If you thought the four game sweep in Milwaukee was a travesty to witness, wait'll you get a load of your Washington Nationals lying on their backs at the plate, with the guy on deck dribbling a submissive pee every time this man glances his way.



Odalis Perez will fold up like a DC postcard map tonight. Mark it, dude. If the boys from the neighborhood manage to get 2 runs on the board, it will be more than we should dare dream. Somewhere in Vegas, an opportunistic house frau just bet the egg money on DC to win, because she was just so transfixed at the possibility of beating those odds. But she's doomed to lose. there will be nothing but toast on the breakfast table next week, and her bitter family will wallow in her foolishness while her husband plots his next move.

At the park, Mets fans will be insufferable. They will taunt, well into the ninth inning, as their cursed team marches lockstep to the win. Even with the marked increase in beer sales, Mark Lerner will feel so dirty that he'll spend most of the game in the golden Executive Shower.

We will lose, men. We will lose mightily tonight, so steel yourselves for the defeat and rest ye well. For tomorrow is another day, and even an animal like tonight's pitcher for the Mets cannot pitch two complete games back-to-back. Yes, he's Johan Santana, but he's no Walter Johnson.

Updates will be sent from the field of carnage tonight. Like that secret desire some of us have to witness in person an actual train wreck, we cannot avert our eyes. We must see for ourselves this beast they call Johan.

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