My Kingdom For A Vagina

~~~

Mayor of Northern Exposure
(also played librarian in the indy film,
"Gooey Decimal System")

She's been governor of Alaska for about two years, and before that she was the mayor of a little town in Alaska. That said, what she lacks in experience she makes up for in what really matters. She's 44 years old and dammit honey looky right down there; she's packin' vag.

This is genius. Now all 18 million of the mindless female followers that voted for Hillary Clinton will have no choice but to do as their cooters command and vote for John McCain and his Vag President, Sarah Palin.

One note, Senator M: If the press asks how Palin could be ready to lead while Obama's lack of experience has been a primary focal point of attacks, remind them that you were a prisoner of war for 5 1/2 years. Oh, also, try not to refer to her the same way you've referred to Cindy in front of the press. Some chicks hate that, but what can you do? Bitches, I know, right?

Looks like the Dems are wrong. John McCain totally gets it.




~~~

On The Ass-ass-ination Attempt

~~~

Everybody's talking about those three stoogie guys who were arrested in Denver on drug and weapons charges. The press was crapping their Brooks Brothers trying to get details. Since I'm a bad speller and lazy as hell, I typed "assasinate" into the handy Google field on my Firefox browser, just so Google would look it up for me and politely reply with, "It's spelled 'assassinate', dumbass." I got what I was hoping for, and just below that, it said this:

Related searches: assassinate obama

Thanks, Google! V helpful. 

"Know how you can tell a crime isn't going to be successful? Crystal meth."

-Rachael Maddow, now with MSNBC,  to friends in a Denver hotel lobby.

~~~

It's How Quickly You Get Back Up

~~~


Overheard from CNN's Wolf Blitzer at the Democratic National Committee Convention: "...alright there you see former President Bill Clinton. He's in Hillary Clinton's box. Can you tell us who else is up there in Hillary's box tonight?"


Wolf Blitzer, Douchebag.


Meanwhile back in DC, things are GREAT. All the politicians are either on the convention floor in Denver, or doing interviews on Fox. All but one of them - who is sitting alone, in the dark, on his couch in North Carolina, in his underwear, watching Bravo.

At the shiny new ballpark a mile south of the Capitol building, the team sitting dead-last in the major leagues eeked out a 2-1 win over Joe Torres' Dodgers. Manny-being-Manny Ramirez was phenomenal, hitting 3 for 4, but LA was doomed by four double plays - all of which were initiated by third base's cock of the walk - Ryan Zimmerman. Ballister threw strikes and eight other guys backed him up when the wood made contact. Joel Hanrahan closed the game with two guys on base. He threw a lot of pitches off the plate. He looked a little nervous. But he got three outs and the game ended, 2-1, DC. I thought I'd better tell you about the game, in case you weren't one of the 25 people listening to it on the radio or the 9000 watching it on TV.


August 26, 2008

	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9		R	H	E
LA Dodgers	0	0	0	0	1	0	0	0	0		1	7	0
Washington	0	1	1	0	0	0	0	0	X		2	6	2

Here comes Hillary to do her speech. Gotta go hang on her every word. I hope she uses her girl voice instead of her announcer guy voice tonight.


11:10 pm update:

First impression on Hillary's speech (before the anchors tell me what to think): Her best line, "did you vote for me for me? Or did you vote for me for that wounded Marine, for that single mother with cancer, that woman working for minimum wage ..."
She tore down the walls and rocked the house.




~~~

Our Man In Denver

~~~

Our pal from Nats320 is representin' at the DNCC.
Are we jealous? Lil bet ... lilbet.

~~~

~~~

"But sir, you are the man ..."
"I know."
"So you'd be fighting yourself."
"... Maybe ... "

"No matter what year you were born, by the time you finish high school, its a completely different world. Today's high school seniors were born prior to the World Wide Web, wireless internet, digital phones, and changes in world politics that were never imagined.

Compare the technology, political, social world we live in today, and you realize quickly. None of us are born in to the world we live in..."
- Mark Cuban wrote that.




~~~

CNN Come Lately

~~~







Here's the news, only four (4) days after TNP told you.



~~~

American Prayer

~~~




When I first cued up this song and video, I was positive I was going to hate it. By the time MLK flashed onto the screen, well dammit honey, I was a mess. I actually gasped - what is that; GOL? Dave Stewart co-wrote the song with Bono - who is not involved in this project, because he has to make nice with whomever is the next POTUS if he hopes to keep getting help for his worldwide army of the downtrodden.

Anyway, you're surely sick to death of all this Obama talk. I know I am. But then again, I try to picture what November 5th would be like, how would that day feel and play out, if Fox News were talking about President-Elect John McCain. What would the next four years be like?

Look, you're on my stupid blog, so you're not so busy you can't watch Dave Stewart and his Cavalcade of Stars. See if you're inner-cynic doesn't get lured out into the open and given a liberal thrashing by a bunch of pinko artist types.




Pinkos featured in this video include Whoopie Goldberg, Macy Gray, Forest Whitaker, Herbie Hancock, Joss Stone, Cyndi Lauper, Jason Alexander, Barry Manilow, Colbie Caillat, Buju Banton, Linda Perry, Joan Baez, Pam Anderson, Sergio Mendes, Perez Hilton, Margaret Cho, Cindy Gomez, American mortgage lenders, teachers, Iraq war vets, and some more.


"As an Englishman, I'm not an expert in all the intricate details of American politics. But as an artist, I understand how rare it is to inspire a connection to a bigger idea or purpose. This video isn't so much an endorsement of Barack Obama as much as it is a celebration of all those who have picked up a sign, who have registered to vote and are working to make the world a better place. So as Senator Barack Obama ascends to the mountain top, let us not forget all of the others who for the past 40 years have sung anthems of change to make this moment possible."
-Dave Stewart


myamericanprayer.com/

"Nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices, calling for change."
-Barack Obama

"We want change."
-Millions of people




~~~

Meathook Makes Another Comeback

~~~




Word is, Dmitri Young's doc says he can go outside and play with the other kids. He's headed to Viera, Florida to get back into the game. Much hated Jim Bowden, whom sports writers and fans say gave Dmitri diabetes, hopes to get Young back with the Nats in September.




~~~

Willie Harris is AMAZING

~~~




In Chicago's fabled Wrigley Field, this guy hits a grand slam, then makes an amazing outfield catch, then hits another homer. I love this cat. Which makes it hard to say, DC needs to trade the hell out of him.





~~~

YOUR 12 IN A ROW TEAM!

~~~

We've gone from losing streak to a non-stop block of classic rock.

Brett Myers goes the distance and hands the Nats their 12th straight loss
and 19th shutout game. BTW, the staff and management of TNP has a
little guy crush on Myers. No big deal.


Ryan Zimmerman said in the Wash Times, "We know what we're in for here. It's not like we have a $100 million team out there losing 12 in a row. We want to win just as much as any other team, but sometimes the other teams are just better."

Oh ok. That's probably it. The Nationals payroll is only $54 million. The Phillies are indeed nearly $100 million. That explains the 44-83 record we have here.

By Zim's logic, if the team cuts salaries to $21 million, they would be 22-105 right now - like the Marlins. This kid has a future in the Lerner Group! Oh wait, the Marlins are kicking DC's $54 million dollar asses right now. And so are all these guys:

Pirates (57-70) $48 million
A's (57-69) $47 million
Rays (77-49) $43 million
Marlins (65-62) $21 million

Since we're having fun with numbers, here's one for you: 35. That's how many games are left in the 2008 season. Unless they win more than half of these games, this team will have lost 100 games or more.

Meanwhile, up in China, war broke out with the US Olympic Baseball Team this week. Final body count:

2 Chinese catchers wounded while blocking the plate

4 batters on the US team hit in the body

1 batter on the US team hit in the head (concussion)

3 ejections

1 US Spy plane still being held by China

Final score US 9, China 1

Chicago Tribune had it all here.



Matt LaPorta lies on the ground after being hit in the head by a pitch against China.
(Eric Seals/Detroit Free Press/MCT / August 18, 2008)




~~~

42 & 44

~~~

"It is absurd to argue that the nomination or an election of Barack Obama would be as important a historical event as the liberation of 3 million slaves after the bloodiest war in American history, that took 600,000 lives and set the South back a century. As for the civil rights movement, that completed the emancipation of people of color, and has dramatically affected American politics for a half-century. Barack Obama's election would be about as significant to US history as Jackie Robinson's appearance at second base was for the Brooklyn Dodgers. Yet that, according to liberals, was the most important event in the history of baseball. This whole exercise testifies to what Lenin called "an infantile disorder" of the American left. Give it a rest."

- Pat Buchanan said that

April 15, 2008: The Dodgers pay tribute to Jackie Robinson by wearing his
number, 42, before their baseball game against the San Diego Padres in L.A.

Washington's Ray King, Willie Harris, Lastings Milledge, from left,
all wearing No. 42, unveil Jackie Robinson's number on the Nationals
Park outfield wall. (By Pablo Martinez Monsivais -- Associated Press)

This cover made possible by
Branch Rickey and Jackie Robinson.

Give it a rest.

~~~

You Didn't See Me. YOU DIDN'T SEE ME.

~~~

Details are still sketchy

I can't tell you how I know this because, obviously they will kill me.
The next Vice President of the United States of America will be ...

JOE BIDEN

SHHHHhhhhhhutthehellup be QUIET. I know you're excited but skeptical. You want my source on this. Well too bad, my friends. TOO BAD. Let's just say I saw some shit, ok pal? Oh also? I heard the Nats dropped their 11th straight. This one to the Phillies, pher chrissake. Here they come. Gotta plow. Joe Biden.

Sent from the trunk of a limo.

~~~

Border Sauce!

~~~

Smuggle some out for yourself.

~~~

Give Willie Harris a Real J.O.B.

~~~




There are times at a ballpark when something happens that cannot possibly translate over TV or radio or print. Willie Harris is like a factory that produces these moments, and a fine one rolled off the line last night. The NY Mets must hate this guy.

The post preceeding this one now seems a bit dire. Yes, DC lost, but they stayed in the game. Odalis Perez pitched well enough to ... hopefully ... get his ass traded before September. Even Manny Acta stayed in the game, despite his very best efforts to get tossed out (nicely described here).

Oh, and despite it being TEDDY T-SHIRT NIGHT, he lost again. Some cheesey mascot wannabe they named ThatCat for some untold reason came out of nowhere and cheated him out of the victory. We are starting to feel a little cheated, too. Sure, it's a great story line that Teddy never wins, but we sure could use a few more story lines. Where did Martha Washington go? She was in one game, flirting with TJ (!) and then gone. Bring her back and let's see if #3 can presidential seal the deal. Better still, bring out Sally Hemings. That would sell some tickets.


~~~

Chum In The Water

~~~

Lord mercy mighty, this is going to be ugly. Tonight at Nationals YOUR AD HERE Park, one man will swagger to the mound. With every step, a group of soul backup singers will go "Whoooop-Hooooop!" into their mics and the mighty mountains will tremble with every pitch. If you thought the four game sweep in Milwaukee was a travesty to witness, wait'll you get a load of your Washington Nationals lying on their backs at the plate, with the guy on deck dribbling a submissive pee every time this man glances his way.



Odalis Perez will fold up like a DC postcard map tonight. Mark it, dude. If the boys from the neighborhood manage to get 2 runs on the board, it will be more than we should dare dream. Somewhere in Vegas, an opportunistic house frau just bet the egg money on DC to win, because she was just so transfixed at the possibility of beating those odds. But she's doomed to lose. there will be nothing but toast on the breakfast table next week, and her bitter family will wallow in her foolishness while her husband plots his next move.

At the park, Mets fans will be insufferable. They will taunt, well into the ninth inning, as their cursed team marches lockstep to the win. Even with the marked increase in beer sales, Mark Lerner will feel so dirty that he'll spend most of the game in the golden Executive Shower.

We will lose, men. We will lose mightily tonight, so steel yourselves for the defeat and rest ye well. For tomorrow is another day, and even an animal like tonight's pitcher for the Mets cannot pitch two complete games back-to-back. Yes, he's Johan Santana, but he's no Walter Johnson.

Updates will be sent from the field of carnage tonight. Like that secret desire some of us have to witness in person an actual train wreck, we cannot avert our eyes. We must see for ourselves this beast they call Johan.

~~~

IT'S WAR! vs. DAVE'S NOT HERE

~~~







Looks like a bloody and horrible war is brewing down in The Russia. BBC thought it was pretty important news, so they stuck it way big on their front page. CNN said, "yeah it's news ... newsish anyway ... but we've got a more hard-hitting lead story:






One happy segue: There's a new movie coming out, man. Now that's news.




~~~

Black Sabathia

~~~

Tonight Collin Balester will face the Milwaukee Brewers' CC Sabathia in game 1 of a 4 game series. Balester is doing pretty well in his very first season as a big leaguer, with a 4.55 ERA, 2 wins and 3 losses.

Sabathia is, well, better known. Maybe you remember him as the 6'7", 260 pound lefty who pulled the Indians into the post-season, like those guys who pull dump trucks with their teeth. That said, the fact that these guys have one of the league's most talented and intimidating pitchers on the mound does not mean that the Brewers automatically get to claim tonight's win, Jack.


Collin Balester extends a handshake to
CC Sabathia before tonight's matchup


Once the Banner gets sung and Blue says play ball, stats stop being historical and start updating in real time. Anything can happen. This is August, baby, and July has been euthanized and quietly buried in the backyard. So we can make the "anything can happen" declaration. Even though the DC club is in dead-last place in the National League, they now have at least some chance of winning every game - even the ones in which there is NFW they're going to win.

Every night, before Stan Kasten goes to bed, he says to our GM, "Goodnight Jimmy. Rest well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." After winning only five games in the entire month of July (with 19 losses), and being swept an astounding four times within that same month, with fans screaming for his balls on a platter, Bowden probably didn't get a whole lot of REM time last month.

Oh but August, sweet beautiful August, has been a different story - completely. The team that swept the Reds at Nationals Park last weekend was a completely different team than the team that the Reds swept back in the beginning of July. Lopez, Estrada, and God Bless America even LoDuca are gone. Not traded, FIRED. Jon Rausch was traded for some guy in Arizona named Emilio Bonifacio. Some guys criticized this as an uneven trade, with AZ getting a quality closer for an untested 2b man. Then Bowden sent minor league pitcher Jhonny Nunez to the Yankees for a SS named Alberto Gonzalez, and some guys said the team was trading away our future and torturing the fans. All along, Bowden insisted that AG does not torture. "We don't torture!" he would say. Turns out he was right and some guys are ignorant morons who don't know what they're talking about. Jim Bowden is a jerk, a drunk, and a damn fine GM. They'll most likely kill him in the morning.

If today's date were 7/7/08, we wouldn't even have bothered to tune-in to tonight's game. It would have been nothing but a stat-packing game for the Brewers. With the configuration on the field on traffic-and-weather-together-on-the 8/8/08's, the Washington Nationals will still probably get crushed, but at least it will be fun to watch.

Now, pray silence please, for a few more graphic representations of tonight's matchup:






~~~

Damn Kids!

~~~

The Straight Talk Express gets an attitude adjustment by bus hackers.
Or maybe it was the driver.
Photos, courtesy of The New Argument

~~~

Colorado Rain Delay

~~~




Last night's 8-2 loss aside, the boys have really turned the corner, Jack. The only thing that did not go well was the bullpen. Ok, I'll throw Ayala under the bus. He stunk a mile high. But it was just not his night. Lannan KILLED and got robbed of the win ... by his own teammate ... that's LOUIS AYALA and his perfectly coiffed goatee under that bus. At this moment, a hard rain is falling in Denver and goddammit honey, your boy's tired. If the game happens tonight, it'll happen sans the staff and management of TNP.

Postie

Sent while driving.

~~~

Among The Chatter

~~~

"I want a ToastMaster. "
"Why?"
"Because it's a toast ... MASTER."
It went on like that all night.



~~~

Paging 18 Million Disaffected Clinton Voters. Your Female VP Candidate is Ready.

~~~

"Hey, what's your shirt mean?"
"It's a collage of things that are younger than Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain."
"Wow, that's cool, I'm really jealous."
"Yeah, you look really jealous."

Buy the shirt.




Big Brother's Head Hurts a Lil Bet. Check this out. That's a lot of watching.




~~~

So Long, Everybody

~~~

The only thing that even comes close to watching a ball game at the park is listening to it on the radio. Sometimes, when the game's a stinker, the only thing that can save it is a good radio guy - but he'd better be real damn good. Skip Caray was best known for his TBS television work for the Braves, but he was also a natural talent for radio. For over 30 years, on nights when the Braves were nowhere near needing to bring out their closer, Skip Caray got the save for them on TBS - a network that unceremoniously dumped him last year.

The first time I heard his voice, I was mildly annoyed. He always sounded like a skunk had just wandered into the pressbox and he was trying to continue broadcasting in spite of the stench. Lots of fans haaaaaaaated his style. He lived his entire career being accused of riding on his dad's coattails. But he had a keen eye and an ability to paint a picture of the game and all that surrounded it for all of us who were stuck somewhere else. He was funny, and real, too.


Don Sutton is our guy now, but for years, he worked with Skip. Here's what he told The Atlanta Journal Constitution:

"He has a style of his own," Sutton said. "He's a man of his own."

When trying to put his relationship with Caray into words, he described the night in 1993 when during a game he found out that friend and former Dodger teammate Don Drysdale had died.

"Somebody slipped him the note in an inning I was doing that Don Drysdale had died," Sutton said. "At the end of the inning, he put his arm around me and said, 'I've got bad news. Your friend Don Drysdale has died.' He said, 'Why don't you take the rest of the night off, and let me handle this and call me and let me know you made it home OK.' "

The tears were welling by then.

"Did we have great times together?" Sutton went on. "Yes. Was he a curmudgeon? Yes. Could he be a pain in the butt? Yes. But did you love him at the end of the day? Yes. And are we going to miss him? You're darn right we are."

Here are a couple-four mis-quotes of my favorite off-the-cuff things Skip said into a microphone.

* He's going back, way back, all the way to the wall, and he makes the catch. Any farther back and he would have had to buy a ticket.

* It's a partial sellout. (Said on a night when the stadium had fewer than 6000 fans)

* That play went 1 - 4- 3, if you're keeping score at home ... if you're not, I don't blame you.

* You have our permission to turn off the TV and go to bed now … as long as you promise to patronize our sponsors.

* That one fouled-off into the right field seats. Caught by a young man who's in town visiting his uncle.


Here's one of his most famous moments, when the Braves won Game 7 of the 1992 NLCS. Enjoy it while you can. MLB will surely make YouTube take it down.






News outlets all seem to be obseesed with the fact that he was Harry Caray's son, but the thing he most had in common with his old man was that he did it all wrong until that was the right way to do it. All the news outlets also note that the cause of death is still undeclared, as if 68 years of hard living on the road were not enough evidence.



I hope and pray he’s not hurting anymore ... I hope and pray he’s sitting on a barstool somewhere with his dad (legendary Cubs announcer Harry Caray) arguing about baseball, and his mom and his brother who he misses dearly. I hope he’s at peace. Because I know he wasn’t the last couple years. And he battled and fought and didn’t do a whole lot of complaining. - Chip Caray





~~~

Felipe Lopez is No Longer a National

~~~

Our Long Nationals Nightmare is Over

~~~