Holiday spirit found dead in dumpster

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Peace on Earth and Merry-good Happiness have been canceled. Now it's just the middle of the damn winter. And no, that door won't be held for you. If you ain't got no money, get a j.o.b., because no pseudo-army is going to come rolling up to your hellhole with a truckload of gifts. And you know those self-help items you were gifted by well-meaning relatives? Yeah, either burn them or put them under your mattress. You friends and co-workers will no longer be cutting you any slack.

The same goes for baseball. December was full of wonder! Sugarplum trades! Candy cane acquisitions! For the naughty boys of summer, the Mitchell Report.

Roger Clemens has already hired a private investigator to ... do something ... who knows what. Maybe the PI can find something that shows The Rocket not using steroids. If he manages that, Pete Rose would probably hire him to dig up evidence of him not gambling on baseball. To get the new year started off right, José Canseco reserved the entire front page of the New York Daily News to send Alex Rodriguez and all his ol' pals holiday greetings.

November and December have Thanksgiving and Christmas to keep the white man docile. January is brutally hostile. Start off the month by getting screaming drunk. We end it by watching 350 pound men-beasts destroy each other in a gladiator arena while devouring sausage products washed-down with cans of beer. All the while, the weather is frozen hell.

February is no better! The ice might turn to frozen mud, but spring is nowhere in sight. Our only distractions are Groundhogs Day and a required gift-giving session mid-month. Oh, and what the hell, let's just tack on one extra day to February this year with a subtle suggestion that we all jump off a building.

Winter is rough on all mammals. The herd is thinned and the survivors understand the Real Rules. Our heat pumps and slippers and R19 insulated shelters usually protect us from harsh reality, but not so this January 2008. The humans are agitated and someone must be thrown to the lions. Florida sunshine and spring training banter is too far-off to even ponder. For now, wear layers, don't talk much, and watch your back, because nobody else will.

"Part of it is that major league baseball has been incredibly passive on this issue to the point of condoning it. And so, who do I think is mostly at fault? The commissioner, frankly, for tolerating it and for not having the guts to step up and say we need changes and if you don't agree with me, then find someone else to run this corrupt process."

- Congressman Stephen Lynch

Take it down, or the neighbors will burn it down


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