Do We Care About The All Star Game?

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We do not care about the All Star game tonight.

We do, however, applaud the sense of humor in Toronto. Blue Jays fans on Sunday did their part to make sure that the only thing A-Rod was hitting was an aging pop star with arms that look like a topo map of the Amazon river basin.



Alex went 1 for 4 with no runs in a 4-1 loss to Toronto.

Meanwhile, in the big Home Run Derby, recovering heroin addict Josh Hamilton DID NOT WIN. Some guy with the Minnesota team did. ESPN and most of the sports writing herd all led with the Hamilton angle, because he dinged 28 in a row outta the park, and he used to inject performance-detracting poisons into his glove arm.

Who cares, right? Why so bitter? It's a swell story - and we all know the plot so it's easy to read and easier to write. Spectacle is cool. Home runs are pure spectacle. As an added bonus, there's always a possibility that this guy might fall off the wagon, giving ESPN something to exploit in the off season. There's just that one hanging strand of a loose end: Josh Hamilton did not win the contest. That boring as Wednesday night church service guy Justin Morneau did. All he did was win - a bad habit of his. Here's why nobody cares about Morneau:

1) He plays for the Twins
2) His last name is rife with pronunciation hazards
3) He failed to be a heroin addict before becoming a great ball player
4) He's not throwing the stones to Madonna
5) He plays for the Twins


The whole All Star thing is slightly more engaging than the a pre-flight safety briefing, and the Home Run Derby is not quite as interesting as a director's commentary track on a porn flick. So it's understandable why writers are flocking to the Hamilton storyline. He was a disaster of a human being who managed to turn his life around, and that's great. Isn't it? Sports writers love a party, especially when fatted calf is on the buffet. It's an easy paycheck because the story writes itself. Clapping in time to an Outkast tune is more challenging than following this tired plot line.

Here's a word of advice for Morneau. Next time you get cheated by the press, don't be so damn graceful about it. Don't point out in the press conference that "the real story of the night is Hamilton". You're never going to make Yankees money that way. No. Next time, walk up to Jayson Stark, forearm punch him across the bridge of the nose, then bang his old lady on the dugout roof. That's how you get ink. Make a little noise! Fall so far, then become the "uplifting story". If you don't do it, you're just going to end up as a rock solid ball player with a stable home life, money in the bank, and a quiet peaceful death 75 years from now.




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