Stop searching. I found her.

~~~




The staff and management of The Nationals Post had to take his truck in to Kip Killmon's Ford for Ye Olde 20,000 Mile Service and Wallet Vacuuming. While this amazing and magical process was taking place, we headed over to Border's Books in the world famous Tysons Corner Mall. That's where we saw her; the most annoying human on Earth.



tap! tap! tap! tap! tap! tap! tap! tap! tap! tap!
tap! tap! tap! tap! tap! tap! tap! tap! tap! tap!









Mind you, we didn't ask to find her. She just appeared, like a present from Beelzebub's Re-Gifting Closet. The checkout line was surprisingly short at Borders and we were third in line. The woman at the head of the line was buying a stack of 10 boxes of Godiva Chocolates - the kind you buy as a gift for someone whom you would not notice were they to stop appearing on the periphery of your life. This lady apparently enjoyed a life enriched with many casual acquaintances, and we were vaguely satisfied for her.

Behind Vapid Godiva Woman (VGW), and directly in front of us, was Remarkably Annoying Woman (RAW). She did not stand in the que. Rather, she swayed and tap danced around in a four foot circle. Several times, she would drift out of the circle to peruse the gift card display, the tiny tiny books display, and the candies. Each time she did this, she was careful to keep one shoe inside the imaginary circle. This was to let the rest of us know that she was not leaving the line.

She never made eye contact. To convey her intentions, she talked to herself in a loud mutter. "Ohhh gift cards ... gift cards ... gift cards ... let's seeeeeeeeeee father's day, happy birthday, congratulations ... hmmmm ... no generic cards .... hmmmm ....". The person talking to her on her cell phone must have also been put out by this, because she wasn't talking to them either. In fact, she artfully used the conversation on the mobile phone as a way to partition herself from the environment around her, and the environment to keep the person on the phone at bay. This was not her first Asshole Rodeo.

Once she ended the call and ran out of impulse items to inspect, her full attention was directed at VGW. There was a minor problem with her Border's Rewards Points and she was pressing the clerk on it. That's when the tapping started.

It took but a moment to realize that RAW was tapping her left foot. It was a rapid tap, heel-toe-heel-toe-heel-toe. The tapping was almost exactly the same tapping as the woman in the Tweety Bird cartoon who hates mice and is mad at Sylvester the Cat for not catching the one in her house.

After 45 excruciating seconds of waiting, oblivious that about a dozen people were now judging her harshly, she pranced to the counter to purchase her stupid paperback. It was the first time I ever wished the computers would crash.

The day had been filled with similar encounters, but RAW took the proverbial cake. Happily, we purchased our Rolling Stone mag, got a slice of mall pizza, and were on our way to RFK.

Baseball is a great palate cleanser for life, and the final game against the Dodgers proved to be the perfect cracker. The 11-4 final score is a happy icon for an evening spent with my buddy, Darryll, these three Old Baseball Guys, and 20,977 other people in dire need of an escape. We talked about Gooz (he looks good!), Church (still not sure he's for real), Manny (where is he? he is usually on the railing, but we don't see him. is he ok?), RFK Stadium (no remorse), Metro, Red, Hot and Blue, and several hundred other completely unimportantly pleasurable diversions.

Now, it's almost time to hit the road to see the Padres. After another day in paradise, it's just in time, too.









~~~K. Provost~~~



IBB: Church (by Brazoban).
Pitches-strikes: Hendrickson 76-49, Brazoban 13-6, Tomko 23-17, Beimel 6-4, Broxton 25-15, Seanez 7-4, Bowie 78-48, Rivera 9-6, Colome 28-16, Rauch 13-12, Cordero 22-15.
Ground outs-fly outs: Hendrickson 6-4, Brazoban 0-0, Tomko 0-2, Beimel 2-1, Broxton 0-0, Seanez 0-1, Bowie 6-7, Rivera 0-1, Colome 2-2, Rauch 1-1, Cordero 2-0.
Batters faced: Hendrickson 22, Brazoban 3, Tomko 7, Beimel 3, Broxton 6, Seanez 2, Bowie 20, Rivera 3, Colome 6, Rauch 4, Cordero 4.
Inherited runners-scored: Brazoban 1-1, Tomko 2-0, Seanez 1-1, Rivera 2-2, Colome 2-0.
Umpires: HP: Jerry Crawford. 1B: Brian O'Nora. 2B: Phil Cuzzi. 3B: Chris Guccione.
Weather: 86 degrees, clear.
Wind: 12 mph, In from CF.
T: 3:15.
Att: 20,982.