New Post

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I was not able to attend last night's Game II in the Braves series, but I read all about it.

The uhhhhh ... the field looked fantastic. Grounds Crew is doing a terrific job.













"Tim Hudson pitched well just to make me look bad.
Some birthday present! My pinky hurts.
Wah wah wah."












~~~K. Provost~~~

John Smoltz is not a Cryin' Ass Bitch

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(AP) "Ow ow ow wah wah wah etc."

It wasn't right that 18,000 Nats fans boo'ed John Smoltz off the field when he got hurt. So he threw a little tantrum. When we here at The Post get hurt, we too get all mad and start screaming and stomping our feet and crying like a debutante's ugly older sister when the open bar runs out of scotch.

All of us at RFK last night should have been thanking him, not booing loudly and inquiring as to the state of his vagina. He let Gooz hit that sweet triple. That was so kind. If he hadn't decided to allow Kearns to hit that double, Austin would never have had the chance to intentionally and brutally attack and leave him for dead. What a giver! Thank you, Mr. Smoltz.


Hey look, he dislocated his pinky, man. You only have two of those. That hurts enough to make any man throw a hissy fit on the diamond and tearfully accuse a guy of deliberately trying to give you The Pain. That's his littlest piggy - on his teacup hand.

John, we know you're reading this, and all of us at TNP want to apologize. You're not a hothouse flower. We never should have called you that. Hopefully you'll accept the Yankee Candle we sent to your dressing room. Lilac aromatherapy is supposed to be good for sore joints. Don't forget to open the card. It has a gift certificate for a full day of pampering at a spa. It's a token of our hope that we can heal this friendship which - like your booboo - has become disfigured and a tragic shade of purple.








~~~K. Provost~~~

So I look unemployed

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I only shave when they lose.
This face ain't seen a razor since
Friday morning, toots!

Op Retardulous is a stunning success!




~~~K. Provost~~~

72 hours

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9 hours of Marlins-sweeping baseball

8 hours of work

16 hours of sleep

15 hours of driving to and from DC

4 hours of rain delays

4 hours of telling my mom, wife, and mom-in-law how very very very special and important and wonderful and great and terrific they truly really are.

5 minutes to write this dumb post

16 hours, 55 minutes of lawn mowing, sidewalk building, movie filming, post-hole digging, dump running, house maintaining, and doing other things that one simply has to do if one hopes to go see the Natties take on the Braves tomorrow night.






~~~K. Provost~~~

RETARDULOUS

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We here at The Nationals Post don't want to be a wet blanket. We know it's only May and far too early to say definitively, but none of us gets the feeling like this team is going to the World Series in 2007. We just think Third Base Coach Tim Tolman makes too many mistakes.







So many different ingredients go into Championship Soup, and this team seems to be a little short on oregano. And talent. So what's a fan to do when his team's destiny is pretty well pre-determined by the cruel cold fact that we've got an Applebees payroll in a Red Lobster league?


Here's a snake I saw.
It was just sitting there!

No, we're not going to answer that question. We were asking you the question, which means you have to answer it. So, what do y'got? Let's hear your brilliant idea. You came to this blog, now how 'bout let's don't just sit there reading, huh Sparky?

What? Let Tony Batista pinch hit? Oh, that's a brilliant idea if we understand it correctly. They already did that, Einstein. He hasn't exactly set the woods on fire. He's still dizzy from the sucker punches life's been handing him. The poor guy asked for a few dollars more back in oh-four and the Expos sent him packin' to Japan. Then the Twins picked him up just to knock him back down. Now he's Gabe-Freakin'-Kaplan. Hey Tony! Welcome back to The Exponals! Bet you won't ask for a raise again, will ya?

Surely this burning couch could
be some kind of metaphor

Alright, since your answer sucked it hard, we're gonna go ahead and let you off the hook and tell you our Master Plan. It's called

OPERATION RETARDULOUS!!

Official Picture of
Operation Retardulous®

See, the silver lining to belonging to the fan base of a suck team is that there is less-than zero pressure. It's 110% fun, Bippy! While those fools down in Atlanta and up at Shea Stadium are living and dying on every stinkin' at-bat*, we're gonna be at RFK laughing, screaming, and jumping around like a bunch of people who paid to get in to a stadium full of people.

Hey Sarge! The missiles are already in the air and headed this way. LET'S PARTY.

This weekend, while the Florida Marlins are in town, the staff and management of The Nationals Post will be in the stands at every game.


We'll be packin' some of these.


Come on baby (don't fear the reaper)
baby take my hand (TINK TINK TINK TINK)

And a couple of these.


ahhhhhahahahahahahahaha


And a lot of this.


You SUCK, Dontrelle!

That's right everbudduh! This is OUR Washington Nationals, and we are here to drop a giant, steaming pile of love on them. This is the time to let'em know we're willing to drive right off this cliff alongside them. So come out to the game, or at least wear someting stupid while you watch it on the TEEvee. Are you going to let the stinkin' Marlins walk into OUR HOUSE without letting them know we're home? The weekend's here and they're playin' baseball. SUIT UP! LET'S DO THIS THING.











*"Hey you didn't mention the Phillies".

OH PLEASE!




~~~Keith Provost~~~

Waiter! Reality check please!

*


"Chicago should win all three games, but they won't. Soriano is sleep walking. Lou is suffering from over-expectations, and the team is coming off a 2 game streak against The Pirates. Meanwhile, nobody is expecting much from DC -except DC."
-From my May 4th, 2007 posting

At least I got the stats on the winning streak right. I was also right about nobody expecting much from DC. I was wrong about the "except DC" part.








~~~Keith Provost~~~

"If you are caught driving while intoxicated or under the influence of any illegal drug, you will be fired from The Washington Nationals organization."





That's all Mark Lerner has to write in a memo.

Tony LaRussa will be going to court soon. Jim Bowden is still wrapped up in legal problems. And Josh Hancock is dead. The threat of losing their jobs might have persuaded them each to get a ride.

There is nothing stopping the owner of a franchise from imposing such a policy. The entire culture within baseball would be altered for the better. It would be a positive story in papers nationwide. Other clubs would cite Washington's example and follow suit.

Naturally, it would make the most sense for The Cardinals organization to impose such a policy, but Josh Hancock has been dead for nearly two weeks. We've seen nothing but armbands from Anheuser-Busch Stadium.

It would be so easy to implement this policy. It would get nothing but positive press. Which Nationals player/coach/manager/general manager needs to die before we all declare that we've had a sudden epiphany?

This is something we, the fan base, could demand. If enough of us ask for this, it could happen. I have sent an email to the Nats asking for this. Will you do the same?








~~~Keith Provost~~~