So I look unemployed

~~~




I only shave when they lose.
This face ain't seen a razor since
Friday morning, toots!

Op Retardulous is a stunning success!




~~~K. Provost~~~

72 hours

~~~







9 hours of Marlins-sweeping baseball

8 hours of work

16 hours of sleep

15 hours of driving to and from DC

4 hours of rain delays

4 hours of telling my mom, wife, and mom-in-law how very very very special and important and wonderful and great and terrific they truly really are.

5 minutes to write this dumb post

16 hours, 55 minutes of lawn mowing, sidewalk building, movie filming, post-hole digging, dump running, house maintaining, and doing other things that one simply has to do if one hopes to go see the Natties take on the Braves tomorrow night.






~~~K. Provost~~~

RETARDULOUS

~~~



We here at The Nationals Post don't want to be a wet blanket. We know it's only May and far too early to say definitively, but none of us gets the feeling like this team is going to the World Series in 2007. We just think Third Base Coach Tim Tolman makes too many mistakes.







So many different ingredients go into Championship Soup, and this team seems to be a little short on oregano. And talent. So what's a fan to do when his team's destiny is pretty well pre-determined by the cruel cold fact that we've got an Applebees payroll in a Red Lobster league?


Here's a snake I saw.
It was just sitting there!

No, we're not going to answer that question. We were asking you the question, which means you have to answer it. So, what do y'got? Let's hear your brilliant idea. You came to this blog, now how 'bout let's don't just sit there reading, huh Sparky?

What? Let Tony Batista pinch hit? Oh, that's a brilliant idea if we understand it correctly. They already did that, Einstein. He hasn't exactly set the woods on fire. He's still dizzy from the sucker punches life's been handing him. The poor guy asked for a few dollars more back in oh-four and the Expos sent him packin' to Japan. Then the Twins picked him up just to knock him back down. Now he's Gabe-Freakin'-Kaplan. Hey Tony! Welcome back to The Exponals! Bet you won't ask for a raise again, will ya?

Surely this burning couch could
be some kind of metaphor

Alright, since your answer sucked it hard, we're gonna go ahead and let you off the hook and tell you our Master Plan. It's called

OPERATION RETARDULOUS!!

Official Picture of
Operation Retardulous®

See, the silver lining to belonging to the fan base of a suck team is that there is less-than zero pressure. It's 110% fun, Bippy! While those fools down in Atlanta and up at Shea Stadium are living and dying on every stinkin' at-bat*, we're gonna be at RFK laughing, screaming, and jumping around like a bunch of people who paid to get in to a stadium full of people.

Hey Sarge! The missiles are already in the air and headed this way. LET'S PARTY.

This weekend, while the Florida Marlins are in town, the staff and management of The Nationals Post will be in the stands at every game.


We'll be packin' some of these.


Come on baby (don't fear the reaper)
baby take my hand (TINK TINK TINK TINK)

And a couple of these.


ahhhhhahahahahahahahaha


And a lot of this.


You SUCK, Dontrelle!

That's right everbudduh! This is OUR Washington Nationals, and we are here to drop a giant, steaming pile of love on them. This is the time to let'em know we're willing to drive right off this cliff alongside them. So come out to the game, or at least wear someting stupid while you watch it on the TEEvee. Are you going to let the stinkin' Marlins walk into OUR HOUSE without letting them know we're home? The weekend's here and they're playin' baseball. SUIT UP! LET'S DO THIS THING.











*"Hey you didn't mention the Phillies".

OH PLEASE!




~~~Keith Provost~~~

Waiter! Reality check please!

*


"Chicago should win all three games, but they won't. Soriano is sleep walking. Lou is suffering from over-expectations, and the team is coming off a 2 game streak against The Pirates. Meanwhile, nobody is expecting much from DC -except DC."
-From my May 4th, 2007 posting

At least I got the stats on the winning streak right. I was also right about nobody expecting much from DC. I was wrong about the "except DC" part.








~~~Keith Provost~~~

"If you are caught driving while intoxicated or under the influence of any illegal drug, you will be fired from The Washington Nationals organization."





That's all Mark Lerner has to write in a memo.

Tony LaRussa will be going to court soon. Jim Bowden is still wrapped up in legal problems. And Josh Hancock is dead. The threat of losing their jobs might have persuaded them each to get a ride.

There is nothing stopping the owner of a franchise from imposing such a policy. The entire culture within baseball would be altered for the better. It would be a positive story in papers nationwide. Other clubs would cite Washington's example and follow suit.

Naturally, it would make the most sense for The Cardinals organization to impose such a policy, but Josh Hancock has been dead for nearly two weeks. We've seen nothing but armbands from Anheuser-Busch Stadium.

It would be so easy to implement this policy. It would get nothing but positive press. Which Nationals player/coach/manager/general manager needs to die before we all declare that we've had a sudden epiphany?

This is something we, the fan base, could demand. If enough of us ask for this, it could happen. I have sent an email to the Nats asking for this. Will you do the same?








~~~Keith Provost~~~

Time to clock-in

April, 2007 was a month-long rally waiting to happen. According to the record of 9 and 17, it didn't. On paper, May doesn't look a whole lot more promising. This is where I'm supposed to get all positive and Rudy, but that ain't gonna happen either.




In May, the Nats take on:
Padres
Cubbies
Brewers
Marlins
Braves
then the O's
Reds
Cards
Dodgers.


Cakewalk, right? In your beak. Everybody's better, but there are glints of light. Chicago should win all three games, but they won't. Soriano is sleep walking. Lou is suffering from over-expectations, and the team is coming off a 2 game streak against The Pirates. Meanwhile, nobody is expecting much from DC -except DC.


Photo by K. Provost

Bergman is on the mound today at Wrigley. Bergman will pitch poorly, because he's been too good lately. The defense will play well, because the have a shiny new Langerhans to impress and be impressed by. The big question is the bats. If the batting wakes up, the game goes to the DC.

As go the bats, so go the Nats.

May will define The Washinton Nationals 2007 Season. DC will either turn it on or mothball the season in May. Guzman will come back. Logan will come back. God, I wish I were in Chicago this afternoon.

Ryans in the Outfield

~


We just got screwed.

If you listen carefully, you can hear Wayne Krivsky laughing. He's still stinging from last year's Nats/Reds trade. This time though, Bowden's trading with Billy Bean, which is like making-out with a pickpocket.

The Natties traded outfielder Chris Snelling to the A's for Fresh-Off-The-Plane-From-Atlanta Ryan Langerhans.




Bowden wasn't terribly clear on why. "In our ballpark and with our young pitching staff, it's good to have good defense in the outfield. We want to be able to catch the ball. Ryan can play all outfield positions, and he is a plus in all three positions. We thought that was important, especially in our ballpark."

What a load. We've all come to expect better lying from Bowden. This is not his best work. He could just as easily have been talking about Snelling.

Statistically, this trade doesn't make much sense. DC traded a good fielder with less-than-impressive hitting and running numbers for a good fielder with less-than-impressive hitting and running numbers. Langerhans has slightly more experience, so today, at this very moment, the scale is tipping to Bowden getting the better side of this dead-even deal.

But wait ... isn't that Billy Bean at the table? What's he up to?

photo by Marice Cohn

Did the A's acquire Langerhans from Atlanta just to pick up Snelling? Why? DC most likely was much more interested in Langerhans than Oakland was in Snelling. So what else was promised to Billy Bean? I feel so dirty.

When the Nationals hired Pat Corrales, Stan Kasten got his old bench coach back, along with nine years of Atlanta Braves dugout intel. Corrales probably watched Langerhans get scouted and come up through ATL's excellent farm system. That's somewhat comforting. Maybe there's a big back story. I'll go even further out on this limb and point out that Andruw Jones' $75-million dollar contract is up at the end of '07, and this may be a piece of the puzzle to reel him in. When the Natties were in Atlanta, AJ went on and on about his love for Stan Kasten. I don't have the exact quote, and I'm far too lazy to google it, but I believe AJ said Kasten was like a second father to him. Who knows? Maybe Langerhans is like a kid brother. He feels better looking to his left and seeing Langerhans. Who knows? Who knows? After cutting the Nats payroll in half in 2007, there may well be enough cash in the coffers to woo AJ. If you can't idly speculate without enough data, how are you supposed to pass the workday?

There are a couple of things that are certainties; First, Langerhans is no worse and no less an unknown that Snelling was. Secondly, I need to get a Ryan Langerhans jersey and cover it with grommets. Grommets are also known as eyelets. It'll be my islets of Langerhans jersey. RING RING!! SportsCenter calling!